


Improving

by TRCelyne



Category: Mystic Messenger (Video Game)
Genre: Asexual Saeran, First Kiss, Just Dudes Hanging Out, Light Angst, M/M, Mentions of past abuse, Mentions of past self harm, Panic Attacks, Small spoilers of the after endings, sleepover
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-26
Updated: 2018-05-26
Packaged: 2019-05-14 05:03:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,625
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14763098
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TRCelyne/pseuds/TRCelyne
Summary: Saeran let out a small hum and lied back down. Yoosung resumed playing, letting him to his thoughts. There was no use pushing the conversation further, he had to let the thought develop in his head slowly. He wouldn’t change overnight. Healing was a long process.--Saeyoung and MC go out for a date, leaving Yoosung and Saeran alone for the evening.





	Improving

**Author's Note:**

> Gods, I spent weeks on this and it's finally done!
> 
> Disclaimer: I have never experienced a panic attack ever (Although I once went through something similar), nor really seen one, so Saeran and Yoosung's reactions might not be accurate. I just wrote what felt the most natural to me, and I apologise in advance if it's not the correct way to portray/react to it.
> 
> Regarding Saeran's recovery, he's on the "I want to get better/I want to survive-overcome this" stage, although he still has his super depressed moments. So he's nicer/softer than the way people usually portray him (I think?). I just love the idea of soft Saeran doing his best.

“Hi Yoosung !! ”

 

MC merrily threw herself in Yoosung’s arms, and he took a step back to not lose balance as he wrapped his arms around her.

 

“Hi MC!” He chirped back.

“Hey hey hey -” Seven interjected, pulling his girlfriend away from his embrace with a pout “Hands off, bro.”

 

MC chuckled as she kissed Seven’s cheek, and Yoosung shook his head with a smile. Those two, he swore. The couple let him in, and he took his shoes off as he stepped inside. The bunker was clean – most likely thanks to her – without any trace of PhD Pepper or Honey Buddha Chips anywhere. He noticed a tuft of red hair on the couch as he walked by in the living room, and stopped to smile at Seven’s brother.

 

“Hi Saeran.”

“Hi.”

 

The young man barely glanced at him, then focused back on his 3DS, the one MC owned actually, the Zelda Golden Edition. He loved the complex details it had. Saeran ignored them, his bangs falling in front of his eyes as he tapped on the touch screen repeatedly with the stylus. Yoosung put his bag next to the couch and followed Seven to the kitchen, while his girlfriend went to the bathroom to finish getting ready for their once-in-a-blue-moon-date. The hacker bent to the side to check if his brother was still busy playing, then pulled his friend closer as they got out of his sight. He bit his lower lip and his shoulders dropped when he leaned towards Yoosung, a pained and worried expression on his face.

 

“I’m sorry I asked you to come so suddenly…” He said in a low voice.

“Saeyoung.” Yoosung replied with an encouraging smile, putting a hand on his shoulder “It’s okay, I don’t mind.”

He squeezed his eyes shut and whispered “I’m just… I’m still worried he might try to do something… I wish I could leave him alone without fearing for his life…”

“Saeran still goes to his therapy, right?”

“Yes.”

Yoosung patted his shoulder “Then he’s slowly working on it. He’ll be okay. _You_ will be okay.”

“It’s not fair to ask you to babysit him.”

He chuckled “Come on, Saeyoung, he’s older than me. I’m the one who needs babysitting. Plus you’ll be gone for what, six hours at most? I can handle this. Saeran’s good at heart, as much as you are. So go enjoy your evening with your girlfriend and forget about him for a few hours.”

He frowned “Call me or text me if anything goes wrong.”

Yoosung smiled “I will.”

“Honey?” MC asked as she walked in, clipping one of her earrings in place “Are you ready?”

 

            Both of them checked her out; her red dress brought up her curves nicely, and her black heels made her as tall as her boyfriend. Her make up was simple but elegant, and so was the bun she had tied her hair into. Yoosung thumbed up at her, whereas Saeyoung blinked a few times in astonishment.

 

“I think 707.exe stopped working!” She laughed.

“Apparently!” Yoosung chuckled then clicked his fingers in front of his friend’s face “Dude, wake up!”

Seven snapped and shook his head “Uuuh y-yes! Yes! Sorry! You look amazing babe!”

She tilted her head to the side, her earrings dangling in her neck “Are you guys done talking?”

Saeyoung nodded “Yeah, we are.”

 

            MC opened the fridge and explained to Yoosung where was the food she had prepared for them, that just needed to be heated in the microwave, then thanked him for showing up. She looked more confident than Saeyoung, visibly trusting Saeran to not hurt himself or do anything potentially dangerous. The young man just needed company, other than his brother and his girlfriend’s.

 

            When Yoosung walked back to the living room and sat on the couch – on the opposite side of Saeran – Saeyoung was standing in front of his key displayer, hesitating between his babies. Ferrari? Porsche? Lotus? MC, on the other hand, was checking her handbag, resting it on her thigh to have easier access. Her ability to stand on one leg with high heels on was impressive, if Yoosung had to be honest. At some point, Saeran grunted and closed the 3DS before putting it on the coffee table.

 

“When are you coming back?” He asked. Not that he seemed really interested in the answer.

“Probably around midnight.” MC said without looking at him “Maybe later. We’ll keep you updated.”

“Okay.”

 

            He lied down and crossed his arms under his head, his right foot brushing against Yoosung’s leg. Seven finally picked up a car key, settling for the Lotus. He twirled it in his hand as he turned around to his girlfriend, who walked to him with a beaming smile. He swiftly slid his hand down her lower back and pulled her close. Just seeing her and feeling her against him made him feel all bubbly inside. And her lips…Well, he couldn’t resist it.

 

He leaned in for a kiss, and she chuckled as soon as his mouth touched hers. She rested her hands on each side of his neck, lingering on the soft feeling.

Yoosung didn’t want to admit it, but it was mesmerizing. Kissing.

He wondered how it felt.

Saeran groaned beside him.

 

“God, get a room!”

MC took the keys from Seven’s hand and jiggled them in front of them with a crooked grin “Don’t worry, we did.”

“And _that’s_ something I didn’t want to know about. I’m never borrowing the Lotus.” Saeran grunted.

“It’s not like you had your driving licence anyway.” Seven chuckled.

“Just leave.” He sighed.

 

The couple shared a laugh, earning themselves a new grunt from Saeyoung’s twin; MC licked her thumb and smudged the traces of lipstick she had left on her boyfriend’s lips. He discreetly caught her finger between his teeth, wriggling his eyebrows at her, and she nudged him away with a laugh. Their intimacy was somehow nice to see, although Yoosung wished he didn’t have to witness so much. They flirted so openly with each other, might it be during a party or in the chatroom, that it was sometimes slightly embarrassing. If at least he had someone to be so cheesy with…

 

They bid their goodbyes, and as soon as they left Saeran picked up the 3DS and resumed playing without even giving him a look. Yoosung felt slightly uneasy. Not that he was scared of him – not anymore – but if he was just going to ignore him, the evening was going to be _very_ long. He pulled his phone out of his pocket and started checking his social media. He couldn’t help but glance at Saeran’s neutral face from time to time, but the young man did not seem to notice. Or so he thought. He felt him nudging his leg with his foot.

 

“Don’t be so stiff around me, it’s annoying.” He said without looking at him “You know your way around the place, right? Just do as if my idiot brother was there.”

“O-okay. Do you mind if I play on the ZetBox?” He said, pointing at the TV.

 

Saeran’s only answer was a shrug. Yoosung cleared his throat and stood up. He tried to act natural while walking to the TV to turn it on along with the gaming console, but he felt like he wasn’t able to put one foot in front of the other without looking like he didn’t know how to walk properly anymore. When he turned around, the gamepad in hand, he caught a glimpse of Saeran’s mint eyes before they flickered back to his screens. He pretended he had not noticed it and sat back at his initial spot. Surprisingly, the redhead put his right foot against his leg again. It was cold, despite the fact he was wearing socks. Plain black socks. Yoosung smiled with a huff that almost came out as a snort.

 

“What?” Saeran asked, lifting his eyes from his device, an eyebrow raised. It was hard to say if he was curious or irritated.

Yoosung smiled in attempt to prove he was not making fun of him “I was looking at your socks.”

The expression on his face heightened “What about them?”

“They’re just… plain. I mean, compared to mine.” The young man explained, lifting the end of his jeans above the ankle, just enough so he could see the puppy pattern on his.

Saeran’s lips twitched, as if he had tried smiling, then focused on his game again “I see. So you’re _really_ into puppies, uh?”

Yoosung started navigating in the main menu of the Zetbox, selecting his game “I want to become a vet, so I guess that yes.”

 

            A new silence fell between them, and the young man resumed the save of Skyborder he had started months ago, way before Saeran and MC had come into their lives. That was quite a while ago. He needed a few minutes to get used to the commands again and to remember what kind of quest he was in the middle of. If he recalled well, he was trying to complete the quests of the Black Fellowship to get his hands on the game’s most powerful horse, Shadowmane. At least the game allowed him to wander aimlessly while doing so, which he did without restraint. From time to time, Seven’s brother would lift his head to look at what he was doing, most often when he was in the middle of a fight and heard him rage, or when he opened the menu to pick a new competence to improve or change weapons.

 

“What’s that game?” He finally asked.

“Skyborder, you’ve never heard of it?”

Saeran shook his head “I don’t play video games…usually.”

Yoosung grinned and pointed at the 3DS in his hands “That looks like a video game device to me.”

“I don’t play _Saeyoung’s_ video games.” He rectified with a faint pout “I didn’t even plan on playing actually. MC saw me zapping out of boredom the other day, so she offered lending me her Nimtendo instead of watching stupid shows. That’s all.”

“Are you often bored?”

Saeran sighed “You have no idea.”

“What do you like to do?”

 

Talking to him was easier than expected. Saeran was still wary of him and not really talkative, but at least things were going smoothly. The young man looked at him, a bit puzzled.

 

“What I like to do?”

Yoosung smiled encouragingly “Yeah. Do you have hobbies?”

“I spent my life either locked up and fearing for my life, or worshipping a madwoman and hating every single thing that exists on Earth. Do you really think I had the time to think about this kind of shit?” He hissed. He caught himself the second after and looked away, pinching his lips “…Sorry. I didn’t want to be mean.”

 

He seemed to work a lot on his behaviour, Yoosung noted. It was a good thing.

 

“Well, it’s never too late to figure it out.” He shifted on the couch, opting for a cross-legged position. Saeran’s foot was back against his thigh as soon as he finished moving “You know, except for LOLOL and video games in general, I’m not into anything specific. I keep changing hobbies all the time, because I can’t be passionate about anything for more than a month. I keep changing clubs at uni, because I’m curious. I guess I can say my hobby is discovering new things, somehow.”

“…That’s pretty nice.” Saeran admitted.

“Let’s go step by step.” The blond boy said as he went through his character’s inventory “Are there things that you enjoy? Not doing, just things that you like.”

“…Ice cream.”

“What activities are related to ice-cream?”

Saeran lifted an eyebrow, stating the obvious “Eating it?”

“Or making it.” Yoosung added with a shrug “Have you tried cooking? Baking pastries? I like it, personally. It’s not always good, but I like the idea of creating something with my own hands.”

Saeran remained silent a few seconds, then closed his 3DS “I’ve watched MC cooking, but I haven’t done it myself.”

“Would you like to try?”

“I don’t know.”

 

Okay, time to try another one.

 

“And besides ice-cream?”

 

Saeran put the gaming device on the white coffee table in front of them and lied back down to look at the ceiling, his fingers laced on his stomach. He hummed pensively for a few seconds.

 

“Clouds.”

“Anything related to them, then?” Yoosung encouraged him.

He snorted “If you’re trying to convince me to try flying, I have sad news for you.”

The young man laughed eagerly and looked at him “Of course not. But that means you could enjoy outdoor activities.”

“Outdoor activities…” Saeran mumbled to himself, letting the words sinking in.

“Yup! Like walking or gardening. Something simple.”

“I…” He seemed to hesitate “I liked the garden…at Mint Eye…”

 

Well, now he lived underground, having a garden was going to be hard. Yoosung paused the game and turned towards Saeran, who lifted his head when he noticed him moving.

 

“How about growing plants, then?”

He frowned ever so faintly “Yoosung, I only see the sun when I go to my therapy or grocery shopping.”

“You live in the middle of the woods, you can grow plants nearby the bunker.”

“Saeyoung won’t let me out.”

Yoosung rolled his eyes with a groan “Then convince him to do it with you, it won’t hurt him to see the sunlight once in a while. And it can serve as bonding time between you two.”

 

Saeran let out a small hum and lied back down. Yoosung resumed playing, letting him to his thoughts. There was no use pushing the conversation further, he had to let the thought develop in his head slowly. He wouldn’t change overnight. Healing was a long process.

 

            After a few minutes, the redhead sat up and stretched with a yawn. Yoosung smiled at him but did not say a word. The young man stood up from the couch and dragged his feet to the kitchen; he came back less than two minutes after, a tub of ice cream in hand and a spoon in his mouth. He plopped down on the couch, a bit closer to Yoosung than he was before. When he crossed his legs, their knees touched.

 

“That game looks rather complicated.” He finally said, opening the tub and eating a spoonful of ice cream.

“At first yes, but you get used to the commands rather easily. The hardest is trying to complete the quests, because the map is huge.” Yoosung answered, before glancing at the food in his hands “MC has made dinner for us, you know.”

“I know.”

“What flavour is it?”

“Strawberry sorbet. She made it herself.”

 

Yoosung recalled Saeyoung talking about that strange obsession with berries of hers. To be honest, it looked delicious. It must have shown on his face, because Saeran lifted an eyebrow and held the ice cream out to him with the spoon.

 

“Wanna try it?”

“Yeah, sure.”

 

There was a small awkward moment when he didn’t know what to do with his hands, since he was holding the gamepad; he ended up giving it to Saeran to try out the food. Unlike factory-made sorbets, that one _really_ tasted like strawberries. He licked his lips with a pleased hum.

 

“It tastes super good.”

“Yes…” Saeran fidgeted with the gamepad, and hesitantly played with the joystick to make the character on the screen walk.

Yoosung smiled and leaned against the backrest, eating another spoonful of ice cream “Do you want to try playing?”

“Can I?”

“Sure, go ahead. We can even create a new save for you, if you want.”

Saeran shook his head “I’m just trying it for now. Maybe I will if I like it.”

“Okay.”

 

            Saeran played for a while, Yoosung giving him advice and helping him as he wandered on the map. He purposefully avoided fights, except a couple of ones against wolves as he was making his way across a forest. He seemed to enjoy the game; or at least, to not dislike it. At some point he leaned towards him, tilting his head in his direction although his eyes did not leave the screen.

 

“Mind feeding me ice cream?”

“Y-yeah, sure.” Yoosung stuttered.

 

He was rather surprised by how casual Saeran seemed to be with him. That was the kind of attitude he expected of Saeyoung, not him. He obliged nonetheless, carefully holding the spoon out to him to not drop the food on the couch. Saeran’s lips closed on the ice cream, and he pulled back without a word, licking his upper lip. The tub suddenly felt way too cold in his hands, and Yoosung set it aside on the coffee table before crossing his arms in attempt to warm them. After more than half an hour of playing, Saeran held the gamepad back to him and rubbed his hands on his face with a grunt.

 

“You okay?” Yoosung asked hesitantly.

“Yeah, I just… Sensory overload. I can’t look at the screen anymore.” He stood up and tottered towards the bathroom.

Slightly confused, the young man turned around to watch him “Do you need help or something?”

“N-no, I just need some calm, don’t worry. I’ll be back in a while…”

 

            The door clicked faintly when he closed it behind him. It was worrying, but at the same time Yoosung knew that it was normal. Saeyoung had briefed him a couple of times on how to handle his panic attacks if he were to have one, so seeking some calm because the TV was too bright and loud was only a normal reaction. He turned towards the screen again, and contemplated resuming playing. But that meant Saeran would have to stay somewhere else, and there was no point in staying over if they were to do things separately. With a sigh, he saved the game and turned the ZetBox off before putting away the gamepad. He grabbed the tub of leftover ice cream and put it back in the freezer. His eyes fell on the dish MC had prepared. He was a bit hungry, but he’d rather wait for Saeran to be hungry too to eat.

 

The young man did not answer when Yoosung knocked gently on the bathroom door. He pressed his ear against the cold wood, trying to make out some sound coming from the inside. He didn’t hear anything. He chewed his lower lip and knocked again.

 

“Saeran? Can I come in?”

 

He heard a faint mumble and took it as permission to enter. He opened the door slowly to not startle the young man, who was slouching against the tiled wall, his hair drenched wet and his legs stretched lazily in front of him. Drops were gliding down his red locks, falling randomly here and there, soaking his sweater drop by drop. The only light on was the one above the washbasin. Yoosung knelt in front of him, although at a respectable distance. Why was his hair wet?

 

“Hey, are you okay?” He spoke in an undertone.

Saeran nodded imperceptibly, his eyes closed.

“Do you need anything?” He continued.

 

The young man patted the space next to him. Yoosung obliged and leaned against the wall to his left. Saeran’s breathing was slow and measured. His hand weakly moved until it grabbed the sleeve of Yoosung’s hoodie.

He waited. For a while. He even wondered if Saeran had actually fallen asleep at some point. He lost himself in the contemplation of the white stain on the mirror above the washbasin, most likely toothpaste that had not been cleaned.

 

“Thanks…” Saeran murmured after some time.

“For what?”

“For… being there, I guess.”

“You’re welcome.” He slowly raised his free hand and combed Saeran’s bangs backwards gently, while the young man leaned into the touch “How come your hair is wet?”

“To calm myself down. It was that or locking myself up in my room… But that would have been rude.” He opened his eyes, and his cheeks turned faintly red when he saw Yoosung smiling brightly at him “…What?”

“Don’t take it badly, but I’m super happy.” He said.

Saeran frowned “Happy?”

“Y-yeah. A month ago you would have not even thought about my feelings. You’d have just gone to your room without saying a thing. I’m not even sure you’d have even tried playing with me. That means you’re improving.”

“I don’t feel like I am, though…” Saeran trailed off, his voice dying in his suddenly dry throat.

Yoosung combed his hair again, this time keeping it in place in with his hands “You are improving, Saeran. You are getting better, slowly, but surely. You don’t see it because you’re the one facing it, but trust me, I haven’t seen you in weeks, and I can see the change.”

Saeran finally managed to look at him, but he couldn’t make out Yoosung’s face through the tears. He whispered to make sure his voice would not tremble “Are you… Are you proud of me?”

He smiled tenderly “I am. And you can be proud of yourself too.”

 

Saeran squeezed his eyes shut to prevent the tears from rolling down his cheeks and rested his head on Yoosung’s shoulder, his hands grabbing his waist to urge him closer. The young man understood the message and wrapped his arms around his shoulders, pulling him into a gentle hug. His cheek rested on the side of his head, although he tried to ignore the weird wet feeling on his face and neck. Saeran needed comfort and reassurance, which he was more than happy to provide. He had seen hell and come back alive – barely, but still alive – and he was trying his best to heal his wounds. That very fact was, in itself, very courageous. He knew from Saeyoung that he had his days where he would not even get out of his room. Some days he screamed at the smallest thing inconveniencing him, some days he just looked like a ghost, an empty shell eating and drinking the bare minimum just to keep his body alive. More than once his brother had been forced – with the help of MC – to forcibly drag him out of bed, throw him under a warm shower, change him into clean clothes and sometimes his bedsheets as well. They never force-fed him, for it would have been counter-productive; they had however sometimes bargained with him, coaxing him into eating at least three bites of his food and drink half of his glass. Yoosung admired them. Their patience never seemed to wear out. Well, Saeyoung had waited long enough to be reunited with his twin again, so he supposed it was normal he did his best to help him. And MC? She had been dragged into the RFA’s secrets, put in danger, almost got killed more than once because of Saeran, and yet she did not hold it against him. They all knew it was not his true self who had done that. It was some sort of drug-induced enraged monster created by… by the person they had all trusted the most. Starting with himself.

Sometimes Yoosung still thinks about Rika.

About V.

All those awful things he had said to him, blaming him for keeping secrets when he did everything to protect them, including sacrificing his own life; and all those things he wished he could have said, the apologies, to at least let him go knowing he had been forgiven; all of that, it was stuck somewhere within him. Crushing him to pieces. He was guilty and fucked up. The whole RFA was fucked up.

Maybe he needed therapy too.

 

Saeran must have felt him tense and his breath hitch, for he lifted his head to look at him.

 

“Yoosung?” He whispered.

“I’m fine.” He whispered back, wiping his eyes with the sleeve of his hoodie “I was just thinking about… things.”

“I know I’m not the best for this but… I’m here if you want to talk.”

He smiled “Thank you, Saeran.”

“Also…”

“Yes?”

“Can you cook with me?”

“Sure. I’ll drop by whenever you want, does that sound good?”

Saeran averted his eyes “Well… Actually… I wondered if we could do that… now.”

Yoosung blinked, then smiled more “Of course, no problem.”

The redhead giggled “I’d cuddle more, but I’m sitting uncomfortably and my lower back sorta hurts… and I’m hungry.”

Yoosung let out a small laugh “Yeah, me too.” He played with one of his red strands, that was now starting to curl in an oddly manner “But first, we have to dry your hair before you catch a cold.”

 

\--

 

            Yoosung prepared the kitchen, fishing ingredients here and there to make a yoghurt cake. It was rather easy to prepare, and almost impossible to spoil, in other words a good way to start. He quickly cleaned the counter, the distant sound of the hairdryer reaching his ears, then went back to the living room to fetch his laptop. He scrolled through a few sites to find a nice recipe. He was in the middle of checking his ingredients, bending over the counter while leaning on his elbows, when Saeran walked in. He cleared his throat, and Yoosung turned around.

 

“Ah, you’re done?”

He scratched his neck, looking away “Yes…”

 

He had changed sweaters, opting for a light brown one with darker dots, the ends of the sleeves covering part of his hands; and now his red hair was dry, it seemed more poofy than the usual. Saeran brushed his bangs away with the tip of his fingers, visibly annoyed by their length. Yoosung smiled and undid his hairclips before handing one to him with a smile.

 

“Here.”

He took it hesitantly “Thanks.”

 

Yoosung grabbed his bangs and twisted them, before clipping them in place on the top of his head, inviting Saeran to do the same. The young man mimicked him, although some stray hair still managed to slide from the hairclip, but nothing too bothering. The blond student pulled the sleeves of his hoodie up as he turned around, walking back to the counter.

 

“Anyway, I picked a yoghurt cake recipe, does that sound good to you?”

“Yes.” Saeran said as he joined him and checked the computer screen “How do we proceed?”

“Well, I’ll guide you, and you’re going to do it on your own.”

“W-what? But I can’t-“

He smiled brightly at him “You can, you just need a bit of confidence. And I’m not going to leave you unattended, I’m just going to give you instructions and help you if needed. Alright?”

He pinched his lips, not entirely convinced “Alright.”

 

            Yoosung smiled and patted his shoulder, before going to the sink and washing his hands and forearms thoroughly. The idea of teaching Saeran something, and try to trigger some kind of passion – or at least interest – in something in him was making him feel proud on the inside. He wiped his hands on a towel, then walked back to the young man. He grabbed his hand and started pushing his sleeve upwards so he could go wash his han-

 

“NO!!” Saeran shrieked, yanking his arm away from him. He had somehow managed to jump at least two meters away from him, an uncontrollable terror filling his widened eyes. Shallow pants were escaping his trembling lips as he held his arms to his chest, like Yoosung’s touch had burned him.

 

Fuck.

 

“Saeran, what’s wrong…?” He ventured, not sure how to react to his sudden outburst. What did he do wrong?

“N-not… N-n-not my-m-my wrists...” The redhead stuttered, tears filling his eyes “P-please don’t… d-don’t look at-at m-my wrists…”

 

Okay. Don’t panic, or else he’s gonna panic too. Why was he so scared at the idea of him touching or seeing his wrists?

 

…Oh.

 

He frowned, more out of worry than out of anger – over what? He didn’t even exactly know – and spoke softly “Saeran, you have to let me help you, if you are hurting yourse-“

“I-I stopped. I swear. I stopped.” The young man blurted out, his trembling causing him to shrink “I promise, Yoosung. Saeyoung checks. I swear.”

 

God, he had to calm him down before things got out of hand. What had Saeyoung said, already?

 

_Breathe_.

 

“Saeran, listen to me.” He said, taking a deep breath to control his nerves. He could do this. He held his hands out to him, palms up, to show he was not going to hurt him in any way “I was not, and I am not, going to hurt you. Do you understand?”

Saeran backed up until his back touched the wall and he gasped in terror, raising his arms to protect his face “I’m sorry Yoosung! I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I promise I’ll behave! Please!”

 

Wait. Those were not Mint Eye memories. Those where childhood instincts.

 

He spoke slower, taking one step at a time at an extremely slow pace “Saeran, you’ll be okay. I am _not_ going to hurt you.”

“Mom, please!” He begged between two sobs, his voice creaking and his legs starting to give in.

“Saeran!” Yoosung snapped, although he didn’t raise his voice.

 

The young man stopped speaking and looked at him in shock through the barrier of his arms. Good, now he got his attention. He smiled encouragingly.

 

“Okay, please listen to me. I want to help you, but I can’t do that alone, do you understand? Try to breathe slowly.” He took a deep breath to show him, and Saeran tried his best to do the same, but the hiccupping caused by his sobs made it hard “You’re doing great, Saeran. Now do it again.” He smiled more as his panting seemed to slow down, and he took a couple of steps towards him “Good. Again.”

 

By the time Saeran’s breath had got back to a normal pace – still shallow, but at least he was not on the verge of hyperventilating anymore – Yoosung was standing a meter away from him. He did not walk closer, for he knew he had to give him space.

 

_Explain. Show him his fear is irrational._

 

“I did not mean to startle you.” He clarified with a soft voice “When you want to cook, you have to wash your hands beforehand, to get rid of all the dirt and bacteria. It’s also complicated to handle food with the sleeves of your sweatshirt in the way. These are the reasons why I tried to pull up your sleeves. I didn’t think you’d be scared. I’m sorry.” His eyes scanned the rest of the room quickly, and he gestured to the chair behind him “How about you go sit down over there? Can you walk?”

 

Saeran nodded weakly and used one of his hands to keep steady by placing it on the wall. Yoosung stepped back as slowly as he had come, encouraging him to follow by inviting gestures. Soon enough, they reached the table and he pulled the chair for his friend to sit down. Were they friends, in the first place? He shook his head. He’d think about that later. The redhead sat at the table and crossed his arms on the top of it, before burying his head between them. Yoosung allowed himself a small sigh of relief. He grabbed a glass by the sink and filled it with water; he paused to pinch his lips when he heard the young man sob again behind him. Not an adult sob. The sobs of a child, filled with hiccups and coughs, unstoppable. He had tried his best, really. Feeling guilt wash over him, he walked back to the table nonetheless and set the glass in front of Saeran as he sat on the opposite side of it.

 

“I’m sorry…” The young man pleaded between two breaths “I’m sorry, Yoosung… I ruined everything…”

“You did not ruin anything, Saeran. I’m the one who should have asked before touching you.”

He lifted his head and wiped his messy face with his sleeve. His cheeks and eyes were red from the crying, and his voice sounded croaky “I’m working on it… I try to be in contact with people to get used to them…”

 

Well, that explained why he kept on putting his feet against his leg. Yoosung pushed the glass towards him, smiling.

 

“You’re doing great, Saeran. I just happened to touch a part of your body you are not comfortable with. I’m sorry.” He gestured to the water with his chin “Now drink, it’ll do you good.”

 

He took a very small sip. He might as well have just dipped his lips in the fresh liquid. When he put the glass down, he hesitantly moved his hand towards Yoosung, stretching his fingers as a plea to come closer. He obliged, and laced their fingers. Saeran’s hand was cold yet sweaty, but he ignored it. Instead, he rubbed small circles on his skin.

 

“Do you want me to call Saeyoung?” He asked.

The young man shook his head, whispering “No… I want him to enjoy his evening… Although…” He wiped his eyes again “Can you text MC? I need my pills… she has the code of the safe. It’s in their bedroom.”

“Of course. Do you need anything else?”

“I don’t want him to know… He’s gonna rush back here, and I don’t want to ruin his evening…” He squeezed his hand “I feel a bit numb… and cold…”

“Do you want a hug?”

 

He nodded, and Yoosung stood up to walk around the table. Saeran wrapped his arms around his waist and buried his head in his stomach, sniffling every once in a while. The blond boy wrapped an arm around his shoulders, using the other to grab his phone in the back pocket of his jeans and started typing a text.

 

_[22:07]_

_Hey there. Saeran just had a panic attack and he said he needs his meds. Can you give me the code of the safe? Also, don’t tell Saeyoung, he doesn’t want him to know._

 

He put his phone away in his pocket and gently rubbed his hand along Saeran’s back, who seemed to relax under his touch. Indeed, he was cold under his fingers. He was so exhausted physically and mentally, it was understandable. Surprisingly, his phone vibrated in his pocket earlier than he had expected.

 

_[22:10]_

_Saeyoung’s closet, top right shelf. The code is 31415926. Give him one pill from the blue pill box with a moon on it. If he got delirious, give him two from the transparent box with the cat sticker. Is he okay? Do you want us to come home? Saeyoung won’t mind._

 

Yoosung observed the code carefully. Of course it had to be the decimals of Pi, that was so Seven-like. He smiled and brushed his free hand on Saeran’s hair, making him tilt his head back.

 

“She sent me the code. Do you mind staying here while I go fetch your pills?” He said with a soft voice.

“Yes… thank you.” He replied, the corners of his lips twitching in a weak but thankful grin.

“I’ll be quick.”

 

Saeran let him go and crossed his arms on the table, leaning his head on them and closing his eyes. Yoosung checked on him one last time as he left the kitchen, then hurried to Seven’s room. He opened the closet, looking for the safe, but couldn’t hold back a grunt when he noticed how high it was. He grabbed the chair from the computer desk and made it roll to the wardrobe, then carefully climbed on it, trying to not lose his precarious balance. He typed the code and started looking for the right boxes, when his phone rang in his pocket. He checked the screen, and answered it while tucking it between his jaw and shoulder.

 

“Hey, MC.”

_“Are you okay?”_ He could hear the worry in her voice.

“Yeah, I’m looking for the pills right now.” He paused with a frown “How come you’re calling me? You haven’t told Saeyoung, have you?”

_“I haven’t. I told him I had to go to the toilets. What happened?”_

“I…” He looked down, his hands resting on the edge of the safe “He wanted to try cooking and… I pushed his sleeves so he could wash his hands…” He squeezed his eyes shut, feeling the tears coming and his throat tighten “I didn’t know he had scars…”

_“He’s not really comfortable talking about it, so we didn’t warn you. Actually we thought there was no need to tell you beforehand… How did he react?”_

“He…” Yoosung brought the back of his hand to his mouth, trying to settle his breathing before continuing “He started screaming and begging me to not hurt him, so I tried to calm him down but he seemed to be stuck in this sort of memory of their mother or something…? Thanks God I managed to calm him down…”

She hummed on the other side of the _line “…Yeah, give him the two pills as well. He’s gonna need them.”_ She sighed _“I’m sorry you had to face this alone. You did great, Yoosung.”_

“I feel so guilty…” He whispered so his voice did not tremble too much.

_“You don’t have to be. You didn’t know.”_ He heard her shuffle _“Anyway, don’t leave him unattended for too long, he might panic again. Comfort him as much as possible, and be careful, the pills’ side effects make him sleepy.”_

“Understood.”

_“Keep me updated, okay?”_

“Yes. Thanks, MC. See you later.”

_“See you.”_

 

He hung up with a sigh, and put his phone away before resuming his pill hunt. After he found them, he took the exact amount needed and closed the safe, before walking back to the kitchen. Saeran had not moved an inch, his breathing now deep yet still a bit irregular. He was most likely doing breathing exercises. Yoosung placed the pills in front of him and sat back down as slowly as possible.

 

“Thanks.” Saeran mumbled.

Yoosung smiled “You’re welcome.”

 

The young man sat up at a snail pace, and grabbed the three pills. He downed them in a single go with a large gulp of his water, then set the glass back down with a sigh.

 

“Sorry again.” The student apologised, wringing his hands under the table “I didn’t know about… this.”

Saeran shook his head “It’s okay. You did your best to help me.” He glanced around the kitchen, pinching his lips “Do you mind if we… If we cook later?”

“No problem. We have all our time. What do you want to do?”

 

He stayed silent a moment, visibly torn between several options. Yoosung stood up and patted one of his hands gently.

 

“You know what? I’m going to clean up while you decide, okay?”

 

Saeran nodded, and Yoosung started putting away all the things he had picked for cooking. He still kept an eye on the twin discreetly, who seemed to be observing him from behind his arms. Or maybe his gaze was just unfocused. However, by the time Yoosung closed his laptop and slid it under his arm, the young man had managed to stand up, although keeping a hand on the table for balance.

 

“I’m going to go to my room.” He announced.

Yoosung gave him a genuine smile “Okay, I’ll be in the living room then.”

“…Can you stay with me, actually?” He asked, his gaze dropping to the student’s puppy socks.

 

It was a miracle he still wanted him to stay, at this rate. Shouldn’t he be afraid of him, now? Well, it was not a bad thing. He nodded, and Saeran turned around, unwilling to spend more time in the kitchen. He wobbled his way to his bedroom, Yoosung following close to catch him if he were to lose his balance. Fortunately, he didn’t.

 

            Saeran’ room was messy, clothes scattered on the ground, along with books and random sheets of paper. There was a double bed in the right corner, shielded at the foot by the closet. There was a desk on the left side of the room, with a not so full bookcase. Maybe he enjoyed reading? He should lend him some of his comics someday. The walls were mostly empty, except for the corner above the bed, where several posters of various empty landscapes were pinned. The redhead turned his bedside lamp on, warm orange lighting filling the darkness, and asked him to close the door. He quickly snuggled into the white fluffy comforter, and started rearranging his pillows. There were at least eight of them. He smiled to himself; Saeran’s blanket fort slash cocoon was cute. Once satisfied with his arrangement, he turned to Yoosung.

 

“Uh… I can lend you sweatpants, if you want.” He said.

Yoosung waved his hand “I’ll be fine, don’t worry. I’m used to sleeping in jeans.” He lifted his laptop into his field of vision “Do you mind watching a movie? I know a good one that you might like.”

“I guess…” He saw that Yoosung’s gaze had dropped on the 707 and MC plushies among the pillows, and he blushed “Don’t tell Saeyoung I sleep with those, I told him I don’t need them.”

The young man let out a soft chuckle as he walked closer “I promise!”

 

            Saeran moved towards the wall, giving Yoosung some space as he slipped under the covers with a pleased sigh. Between the thick feather comforter and the insane amount of pillows, he felt like he was tucked in a soft cloud. He leaned against the cushions, making himself comfortable, and opened the laptop. Saeran lied down next to him, observing him in silence. Well, he probably couldn’t see anything, since Yoosung was blocking most of the light coming from the lamp. He clicked here and there, until he found the movie he wanted. He lied down a bit and settled the laptop on his lap.

 

“Have you heard of the movie _Amélie Poulain_?”

 

Saeran shook his head, his face half hidden into his pillow. He looked like a shy but curious kid.

 

“It’s one of my favourite movies. It’s really soft and poetic. The beginning might startle you a bit, but I swear the rest is nothing but a cute love story.”

Saeran frowned faintly, a dubious pout forming on his lips “A love story? Seriously?”

Yoosung giggled “I’m bad at summaries, and I can’t spoil the story. There are a lot of little stories revolving around the main plot. I only have the subtitled version though, it’s in French. Do you mind?”

“No.”

 

            Without waiting further, he pressed the space bar and started the movie. Saeran snuggled up to him, resting his cheek against his arm and keeping his hands close to his chest. He seemed to enjoy the soft music that played as the introduction started, then allowed himself a weak huff when the opening credits started.

 

“This movie seems to be a lot about useless details.”

“That’s its magic, actually.” Yoosung giggled.

 

            The young man giggled at Amélie’s mischief and wild imagination, especially when she decided to get revenge against the neighbour who had fooled her. And then, the dreaded scene came. It was not awful _per se_ , and even if the subject was treated lightly, suicide was still mentioned on screen. Saeran tensed against him. Without saying a word, Yoosung lifted his left arm, and the young man instantly snuggled closer, half hiding in the crook of his neck and resting his hand on his chest. He gently lowered his arm to rest it around his shoulders, and they resumed watching the movie. The redhead barely moved throughout the film, occasionally letting out a chuckle here and there – again, at Amélie’s innocent but not naïve mischief – his breath slow and warm against Yoosung’s skin. Somehow, it felt natural. Well, being a snuggle bunny helped. He just enjoyed physical proximity with people. He felt Saeran’s eyelashes fluttering against his neck rather often; he was probably trying to fight against sleepiness. At some point, Yoosung sent a quick text to MC to tell her they were fine. Saeyoung’s brother shifted when the two characters finally met and faced each other, and she silently kissed him above the lip, under the ear, on the eyebrow arch. Then he kissed her, just as softly and silently, on the same places.

 

“How does kissing feel?” Saeran asked as the scene went on.

Yoosung blushed very faintly from the embarrassment, and because his breath had tickled him “I don’t know. I’ve never kissed anyone.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.”

 

They didn’t say more, until the movie ended a couple of minutes later.

 

Yoosung tried to hide his eagerness as he set the computer on the bedside table “So, what did you think?”

“It was nice.” Saeran said, slowly lifting his head. He crossed his arms on his chest to look at him “I think I dozed off somewhere, but I got most of it. I like the music, it’s peaceful.”

“Isn’t it?” He chirped, then took the hairclip off Saeran’s bangs, which fell softly back in place.

“Say…”

“Mmh?”

“Can I kiss you?”

 

Yoosung froze and blinked. Had he heard it right?

 

“What?”

“Can I kiss you?” Saeran repeated, imperturbable.

“W-why?” he stuttered, feeling his cheeks burning and his heartbeat quicken.

The redhead sat up, kneeling next to him. The sudden loss of warmth made him shiver “You’ve never kissed anyone, and neither have I. I’m just curious about how it feels.”

“But we’re both guys.”

“And? Lips are lips. To me it’s the same.”

 

Well, technically, he was right.

 

“Sorry, I…” Saeran explained, scratching his neck “I’ve seen people kissing and telling me about feeling attracted to others and stuff but… Somehow I never felt the same? I thought it was because I didn’t like girls, but it doesn’t seem to work with guys either. I’ve never actually wanted to kiss anyone or do anything more with them. When I see my brother and MC, it seems foreign to me.”

“Well,” Yoosung said, propping himself up on his elbows “Some people do not experience attraction. It happens. That doesn’t mean they can’t love others and be in relationships, of course.”

“Really?”

He nodded with a smile “Yeah, really.”

“I thought it was because I’m broken inside.”

“Well, depression causes a drop in one’s libido, but that isn’t linked to attraction in itself. People who don’t feel that are more common than you might think.” He sat up correctly “So why would you like to kiss me, exactly? To see if you feel something?”

He shrugged “More or less, yes.”

 

Yoosung chewed on his lower lip, considering the idea. This would remain between the two of them, right? After the emotional rollercoaster they had been through during the evening plus the cuddling, he could say that Saeran trusted him now. He was probably the only person he truly relied on besides MC; he was still working on trusting Saeyoung again. His eyes fell to the young man’s lips. He was right: lips were lips. His weren’t thin, unlike he had read in books and fanfiction countless times. Why were people so obsessed with thin lips anyway? Thin lips meant less surface to kiss. In the end, what did he have to lose? It was just to either confirm or deny Saeran’s doubts about himself.

 

“Okay. Let’s try it out.” He finally said, then put a finger in front of his mouth “And not a word to Saeyoung and MC, okay?”

Saeran snorted “As if I’d tell them about that.”

 

There was a few seconds of awkward silence, during which both of them looked down without knowing what to do.

 

“Uh… How do we proceed?” Saeran asked.

 

He probably knew even less about kissing than Yoosung, didn’t he? The student ran his hand in his hair, undid the hairclip when his fingers brushed on it by accident, and took a deep breath. On the other hand, the redhead was waiting, his hands resting on his knees and his eyes partially hidden behind his bangs.

 

“Don’t… Uh… Don’t move. Just close your eyes.” Yoosung muttered.

 

Saeran obeyed and closed them. The blond boy breathed again, then shifted so he was kneeling in front of him, his legs parted just enough so the redhead’s could fit in between so they wouldn’t have to bend awkwardly. God, how come the logistics of kissing were so complicated? He cupped Saeran’s face with both hands and gulped, trying in vain to calm the frantic beating of his heart.

 

“Ready…?”

He nodded with a hum.

 

Yoosung leaned closer slowly, taking his time to observe Saeran’s face and searching for any sign of discomfort. His expression remained neutral, if not peaceful; if he was nervous, he sure was hiding it well. When he felt his breath on his lips, Yoosung knew that he was close enough to close his eyes as well.

 

The first thing he felt was not Saeran’s lips, but their noses bumping together. Both snorted awkwardly, and Yoosung couldn’t help but feel like an idiot. Right. Noses were on the way. Change of plans. He tilted his head to the side faintly, and tried again. He got it right this time, for he felt something warm against his mouth. Saeran’s breath hitched ever so faintly, but he relaxed the second after. None of them moved, their lips just pressed together softly. Yoosung was the first to pull away, just enough so they could look at each other. He could feel his cheeks burning and his heart beating incredibly fast in his ribcage.

 

“Again.” Saeran whispered, as if using his voice would break the moment.

 

            Yoosung nodded, and kissed him again. He felt something tickling his stomach, as if butterflies had settled there. Wait, those were the famous _butterflies_? Sparks of enthusiasm fizzed in his head as he faintly moved his lips against Saeran’s, who did not react for a few seconds. Then, when he answered the kiss, his hands gently travelled up Yoosung’s arms to settle on his shoulders. It was not breathtaking, like he had read and seen before. Really, how could people lose their breath while kissing? It was nice and pleasant, but nothing worth losing their breath for. Both of them were doing just fine. An idea slowly grew in his head, something he knew about and had to try out. Mentally bracing himself, he brushed the tip of his tongue on Saeran’s lower lip, who in return dug his fingers in his hoodie without paying attention. Was that a good thing? Did he like it? He tried something else and gently caught his lip between his teeth. This time, Saeran hummed and pulled away with a frown.

 

“What are you doing…?” He asked, slightly confused.

“Just, uh… Trying stuff?” Yoosung replied, letting go of his face. He pinched his lips in worry “Did you… Did you like it?”

“Well, I… I’d be grateful if you didn’t try to put your tongue in my mouth. Just the idea of it feels gross.” He said with a disgusted grimace.

He chuckled “That was not my intention. This kind of kissing is for level 2 at least.” He brushed his thumb on Saeran’s cheek “And you didn’t answer my question. Did you like it?”

“Overall?” He crossed his arms, looking down pensively. It seemed to be hard for him to sort out what he was feeling “It…felt.”

Yoosung frowned, trying to understand his words “It felt? What does that even mean?”

“I  mean, I don’t think I felt anything special. Like… It didn’t feel good nor bad? I could go on without that, I guess. I definitely don’t get why people make such a fuss about kissing.” He lifted his head “What about you? How did you feel?”

He smiled “Great. I’m a bit sad you don’t feel the same, because I loved it. It’s a super nice feeling.”

Saeran’s lips distorted into a crooked grin “My my, don’t tell me that you’re into boys now just because you’ve kissed me.”

Yoosung felt his cheeks burn as he stuttered “N-no! You-you said it yourself! Lips are lips, it has nothing to do with the fact you’re not a girl!”

 

The young man burst into laughter. A loud, genuine laughter; his head tilted back and shoulders shaking as he tried to breathe. Yoosung tried to be mad at him for making fun of him, but Saeran’s laughter was contagious and he soon found himself giggling along. After a minute, the redhead wiped his eyes as he looked back at him, remnants of his laughs lingering on his mouth. He had never heard him do that before. It sounded hoarse, but it was nice to hear.

 

“I’m glad you’re having fun.” Yoosung snorted ironically.

“You’re so easy to tease.” he explained “I get why Saeyoung and MC like to prank you.”

“Hey! That’s not nice!” He pouted.

“But it’s fun.” He countered with a loud yawn, then let himself fall on the side, half disappearing into the pillows.

 

Yoosung did not comment further and sighed loudly. God, he wasn’t Saeyoung’s twin for nothing. A light pull on the hem of his hoodie pulled him out of his thoughts, and he turned to look at Saeran, who was staring at him. It was hard to decipher his expression.

 

“Yes?”

“I’m tired. Let’s sleep.”

“Your brother will be back soon, though.”

“And? It’s not like he’s gonna kick you out.” He pulled on his clothes again “Plus, I found a nice puppy to cuddle with.”

Yoosung blushed “Are you comparing me to a puppy?”

Saeran shrugged “There’s a labrador in Nintendogs called Yoosung, I think it fits well.”

He blushed harder “Wait, what?”

“MC made me try that game, and as stupid as it is, it’s kinda entertaining. She named one of her dogs after you.”

“I’m not sure if I should feel flattered or not.” He snorted, then lied down next to him “Wait, that means the game you were playing earlier was Nintendogs?”

“Yes, does it sound surprising?”

“A bit. I think you’d be more into… I don’t know. Strategy or fighting games I guess.”

“I don’t like any specific genre, actually. Like I said, I’m not that much into games.”

 

He had to admit, the brightness of his eyes puzzled him a bit. Not that he hadn’t noticed how intense their color was before, he just had not paid attention to it. And since he had closed his eyes when they were kissing earlier, it was only now they were lying close to each other that he actually had the time to admire them. That shade of green did not seem natural, yet he didn’t seem to be wearing contacts. Yoosung cleared his throat after a few seconds.

 

“Can I ask something stupid?”

Saeran shrugged “I guess.”

“How come your eyes are a different color than Saeyoung’s if you are identical twins?”

“Oh, that’s…” He said, fidgeting with one of the strings of Yoosung’s hoodie “That’s because of the elixir… The drug they used on me. For some reason everyone’s eyes turned mint green because of that. Hence the name Mint Eye.”

He frowned “But you’re not under the influence of the drug anymore.”

“Maybe it’ll disappear with the years. I don’t know. But I like it in the sense that it actually makes it easier to differentiate me from my brother.”

“I can differentiate you both.”

He snorted “Well, ask MC. We avoided more than one embarrassing situation thanks to that.”

“Oh my god, it must have been awkward to suddenly see her jump into your arms.”

“You don’t say.”

 

They chuckled together, trying to imagine how embarrassed and awkward she had felt, plus Saeyoung’s overdramatic reaction in the background. When Saeran’s fingers brushed against his, Yoosung felt his heart beat slightly faster.

 

“I like the color of your eyes.” He said, lacing their fingers.

Heat started spreading through his cheeks “Ah? I think they’re normal, though.”

“Well, purple is rather uncommon.”

 

They did not see minutes – which turned into an hour -  pass as they kept on chatting about random stuff, bits of their – mostly Yoosung’s actually – lives and habits, telling each other silly stories and fun facts. The more time passed, the slower they spoke, Saeran obviously fighting against sleep so they could talk more, until he closed his eyes and only answered through weak hums to indicate he was still listening. After a few minutes, he was sound asleep. Yoosung watched him as his chest moved slowly with his silent breathing, a slight frown on his face. He had not let go of his hand once. Yoosung pulled his phone out of his pocket and took a picture, which he sent to MC before putting the device on silent mode and setting it down on the bedside table. He switched the light off, and pulled the blanket over Saeran’s shoulders. He did not need to wait long before falling asleep too.

 

\--

 

“Be careful, don’t wake them up.”

“Honey, I’m a secret agent, I know how to be as discreet as a breeze.”

 

MC and Saeyoung exchanged whispers in front of Saeran’s bedroom door. They had come back way later than expected – they had spent quality time in the Lotus, after all – only to find the entire bunker’s lights off. From the picture she had received earlier, the boys were most likely sleeping.

 

Saeyoung slowly opened the door. The lights of the living room were bright enough to peek into the room without waking them up. The young man smiled tenderly at the sight of his brother spooning Yoosung in their sleep.

 

“I guess someone’s found a friend.” He tenderly whispered to MC as he closed the door.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Fun fact: initially, they were supposed to bake that cake. Actually, Saeran was just supposed to freak out for a couple of minutes, then they would have found some way to hide his wrists, and shared that cake in front of a movie and cuddle on the couch. But no, apparently my brain decided to make him go on a full scale panic attack. I don't even know how to write those in the first place ;_; That one shot was WAY angstier than originally planned.
> 
> Also I like to headcanon After Ending!Saeran as asexual. Probably aromantic as well, but I'll just settle for ace for now.


End file.
